Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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