i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
