I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize