Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
