Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
