1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am one with the molecules
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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