i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pants are for mortals
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
