i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
