Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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