i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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