so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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