Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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