I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
