i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
