The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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