I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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