Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize