from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
