Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize