As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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