I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
