I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
