thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
