I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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