apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
