I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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