i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
