after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
