i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
