somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My vagina is officially offended.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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