We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize