Can Purell be used as lube?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
