my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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