I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it đ
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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