So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
