I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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