Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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