you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
