Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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