I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
