I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
