Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
