I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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