dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
