Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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