The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
