I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
