Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
