If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
