I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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