I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
