smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
