When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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