i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he quoted the bible to break up with me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
