I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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