It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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