If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
two words...techno handjob
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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