im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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