There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
