you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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