how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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