we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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